I'm struggling a bit with my attitude about radiation. I'm feeling pissy about having to go, and I'm tired...and it's just getting started. Driving downtown and dealing with traffic and parking, especially in the rain, is stressful. It's been a long and emotional rollercoaster of a road, and I want to be at the end. My joints ache, especially my hips/lower back, and I feel like an 80-year-old woman whenever I stand up, sit down, or go up/down stairs. Both days after treatment I got pretty tired, so I don't think this is going to be the breeze I hoped it would.
With the stress and emotional crap, I'm having a hard time managing my temper. I don't know how people manage it when they have longer treatment protocols than I did. Or whose cancer keeps coming back, or who have chronic illnesses. For those of you who manage to keep up a positive attitude through it all, you're amazing.
In reading my support group forums, I found out that both of the above issues are pretty common. As for the attitude, by this time the number of appointments and decisions and things have slowed down, giving the patient a chance to process what has happened. Suddenly we're not so focused on fighting and survival, so anger at the injustice, realization of the fear, etc., have had a chance to seep in. I hear stories of the cancer coming back and I can't help wondering if that will happen to me. As for the joints, the other women who are experiencing this also had Taxol. So I suspect that's the cause. I hope it gets better with time. Exercise does seem to loosen me up a little. Oh, and my vision got worse, for which I can probably thank chemo.
The second day of treatment was shorter than the first, since they didn't have to do xrays. Part of my treatment regimen is to have a "bolus," which is a heavy sheet of fabric with little metal discs all over it, placed over the affected area during part of the treatment. I'll get this every other day, and the purpose is to bring the radiation closer to the surface.
No real sunburn yet, since it's early. I do seem to have some freckling already, though. I'm happy to have started in the middle of the week so I'll have two weeks (beginning and end) where I don't have to go five days a week.
I didn't exercise the last two days because I didn't feel up to it, although I did go grocery shopping so I was at least on my feet and moving around. I need to figure out how to get up and out earlier in the day so I can get some exercise before treatment, because afterwards I think I'll just be too tired. I don't know how much I'll be able to do during the next few weeks, but I'll do what I can.
That's it for today. Hug your loved ones, especially if they've been through something like this. We could use it.