Thursday, October 22, 2015

Argh! Germs!

So it finally happened. I thought we'd be able to get through chemo without anyone in the house getting sick, but I guess it was inevitable. Michael and his son both have a cold. Of course, it's unfortunate for them...they both feel awful and I feel for them. I don't mean to make their being sick about me,'s also a pain in the ass, because now I'm under quarantine. Michael will have to sleep in the other room and we can't be together...for the brief moments he comes in, he has to wear a mask. I probably shouldn't leave the room unless I have to. It sucks for both of us. Chances are, I'm already exposed and will get sick anyway, in which case I'll be miserable but at least we could go back to normal.

The not-worse-not-better-just-differentness continues. The neuropathy (tingling and numbness in my extremities, mostly my first three fingers on each hand and first two toes on each foot) has gotten a little worse this time. It faded in previous cycles, so I hope it will this time, too. I've heard reports of people having it for the long term and that scares me, but I suspect that's rare. I hope the fact that I am on the Taxol for such a short period of time will mean it won't last long. My nose no longer drips all the time, although I often feel a little stuffy but not too bad. I seem to have regained some tolerance for spicy (mildly, at least) food.

But I am so, so tired. All the time. I know I say that a lot, but it's frustrating and depressing. Most of the time, I don't feel like getting on the computer. I have all this work people are relying on me to do, and I have a hard time getting to it. "But, Jennifer, your job is to heal!" you say. Yeah, but it doesn't change the fact that people need things done and I need a paycheck.

All I feel like doing is watching TV and playing on my tablet. Sometimes I lie here, eyes closed, wanting desperately to nap but unable to sleep. I did muster up the energy to go out for dinner a couple times, and it was nice to get out of the house for a bit.

People often ask if I'm going stir-crazy. Yes and no. On the one hand, I have several ways of getting on the internet, which provides lots of entertainment and social interaction. I chat with friends often via facebook or text. II have kindle and all Amazon has to offer. I have all kinds of games in numerous formats I can play, whether alone or with Michael (when he's not sick, that is). And cable, Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. So, I have plenty of entertainment, although I still get tired of my options sometimes.

On the other hand, I'm anxious to get out and do things I haven't been allowed to do. Dance. Go places. Play. Friends are going on vacation and I'm dying to go somewhere. I want to go to Disneyland especially. We're making plans to go somewhere for a short, close trip after chemo but before surgery, and then to Vegas right before Christmas and radiation. I'm really looking forward to that. Not only because I'll be somewhere different having fun, but because it will mean I'm past this part. We'll have to keep it low key, but I'll take what I can get!

It will take time for my body to recover from this and my energy levels to return...and of course I'll also have surgery to recover from and radiation will also cause fatigue. So I don't know when I'll feel anywhere close to my old self or be able to resume my normal activities. I'm trying not to get too down about it. But I'm tired of being tired. Please, don't say, "Of course you're tired! You're going through a lot!" I already know that. It doesn't change the fact that I'm tired of feeling like this.

Tomorrow, I meet with the radiation oncologist. I'm looking forward to learning a bit more about that step and what to expect. Then the surgeon on Tuesday, when we'll make the final decision about which surgical route we'll take. Then--fingers crossed that I don't jinx it--my last chemo on Wednesday!

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