Swimming toward the shore

Charm bracelet with my treatment #5 charm, "Dancing
Queen." For the role of dancing in my life (when I'm better!),
but also a little shout out to my friend Cindy Mills.

I haven't posted in days because I haven't been able to get on the computer to do it. The past few days were the hardest so far. I felt like I was swimming in the open sea, barely keeping my head above water. Each day, I got a tiny bit closer to shore and I could see the end in sight, but it seemed so far away. So hard to reach.

I was so exhausted it hurt. Getting up to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth and do my mouth rinse, I'd balance on shaky legs and then after getting back in bed I'd pant until my wildly beating heart calmed. Even sitting at the table to eat was almost too much effort. I had little starbursts of pain that would fire off in various joints and bones on my body. The skin on my palms and feet feels thin, and sometimes it aches after touching something. My fingernails ached the day after treatment so I cut them short to prevent bumping them. I was constipated, and the discomfort in my gut added another layer to the mosaic of misery.

In case you didn't believe he was wonderful
already, Michael brings me fresh flowers
every couple of weeks. 

One night, I broke down in tears because I was so tired of feeling weak and exhausted. Having to get help with simple things is demoralizing. I hate being a burden, although Michael denies I am one. I feel guilty seeing him work so hard while I lie here. The fact that being sick gives me an excuse means nothing. I hate being this way. It sucks. I am not weak. I am the strong one. So many things that make me who I am have been robbed from me. Some of them I'll get back. Some I won't.

Today, I feel like I'm in the shallows. My feet can touch the bottom. I went downstairs to get breakfast for the first time in four days and didn't regret it when I got back to my room. I've been able to sit at my computer and type this as well as take care of some emails. My fingernails stopped aching and my bowels started moving again. I'll be able to do some actual work. I'll get a little better each day, a little closer to the shore, until my next treatment a week from tomorrow. It's a relief knowing I'll finally have a few good days. Hopefully my blood counts will improve and the next treatment will be a little easier.