Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Not much time left

I feel like this break between treatments has gone by way too fast. I wanted to do so much...go to Apple Hill again, get a lot of work done, get a lot of exercise, do some dancing. Time got away from me, and although my energy is better than it was a month ago, I still get tired fast and I just wasn't up to doing everything I wanted to do. And now surgery is tomorrow and I accomplished almost nothing.

Surgery is the part I dreaded the most. I know chemo is the worst and it's behind me, and it was definitely dreadful, but a mastectomy is so permanent. By this time tomorrow, I'll be minus a body part. Disfigured. Scarred.

People try to say things to make me feel better about it. I won't see you any differently, Jennifer. Your scars are a badge/symbol of what you've been through, Jennifer. Better a boob than your life. etc...those are all true and great. Honestly, if anyone is going to think less of me because I'm missing a boob, they get an express ticket out of my life anyway. I'm not really worried about what anyone else thinks of me (as long as they don't think I'm something I'm not). It just sucks, because I don't want this to happen.

Mostly, I've made peace with it. I know it needs to happen. I'm not bitter or angry. I'm just sad and a little depressed. I'm doing a little self medicating today.


  1. Hang in there... if they remove anything that really makes you YOU... it will be a medical first.

  2. Funny timing, our surgeries being exactly one month apart.

    I know how you feel. I know and feel deeply every word you said.

    Let me know if you want to talk, and good luck tomorrow. Update as soon as you can. I'll be thinking of you every minute.

  3. Sending positive thoughts and healing energies. BIG HUGS!!!!

  4. Jennifer,

    You are beautiful!!! You will prevail!! You are amazing!! I only befriend amazing people!!!! Do what they say, no rebel things!!! Hugs my dear!

  5. Oh, I have had these feelings too. Yes, I'm strong. Yes, I'm going to keep fighting. Yes, I won't give up... but DAMMIT! It's not fair sometimes!

    You'll be in my heart all during your surgery--but hurry and get out of it soon--my heart has a hard time keeping up with just me. It'll be tough pumping blood around you!

    Love you, Jennifer!