Friday, December 25, 2015

Coming along in my recovery

My hair five weeks after the last chemo.
Eyebrows are coming back, and every day
I look just a little more normal.
I can't believe it's Christmas already. The holiday season just flew by, although I did get to enjoy some fun times with my new family. Tomorrow I head off to Pahrump, NV, for a few days to spend time with my mom, brother, and son.

I haven't kept up on the blog much as typing is still not very comfortable and what little time I spend on the computer I'm frantically trying to get some work done. Deadlines are wooshing by so fast that if I had hair, it would be a rat's nest by now! Thankfully, my clients have been understanding so far but I really need to get back on track.

I've been doing my physical therapy exercises every day, and I'm surprised at how quickly I'm regaining range of motion. I can once again wear clothes that pull on over my head instead of having to wear only button-up tops, so that's nice. And I'm able to help out around the house a little bit. But then I'll do the exercises and some housework or shopping or something, and I'm wiped out or in pain. It's not terrible, but it means I have to lie down and rest--so often my plans to work or whatever get put off. Kind of like the way things have been since all this started! My energy is generally quite good--I can get through a busy day of normal activities without crashing. I even wrapped a bunch of presents yesterday and today.

So I'm looking forward to returning to normal life. I have my radiation simulation appointment on January 14 and will start treatments about a week later, and that will go on for six weeks. Then I'm done. I should feel pretty good until about the third or fourth week, when the fatigue will set in again. So I'm trying to get out for walks or at least shopping so I'm moving around. I got a bike for Christmas, and I'm looking forward to riding it as soon as my arm is just a little better. Maybe even in a week or so. I think I'll be ready to do a little dancing by then, too. When radiation is done and I've had a couple weeks to recover, I go back in training! I can't wait to get this extra weight off and get out with my running buddies again, working toward goals.

One of these days, I'll do a post describing how the surgery went, as well as "what I learned from chemo," and other helpful things like that.

Merry Christmas, everyone!


Monday, December 14, 2015

I'm cured, but it's not over yet

If you missed the announcement on facebook, I found out last thursday that the pathology report from my surgery came back clear. No residual cancer, four lymph nodes removed with no trace of cancer--the chemo basically melted it all away. I'm cured! However, this does not mean I'm done and get to go back to my life now. Not yet. I still have to do the six weeks of radiation treatments starting in January as a preventative measure against recurrence. Then it will be a few more weeks before I start to feel normal again.

This is the first time since the surgery almost two weeks ago I've felt up to getting on the computer and typing, so I'll keep today's update brief but will give a complete accounting of the surgery experience in another post.

I'm slowly getting a little better each day. I still have one drain in from the surgery, so I have to be careful not to pull on it (ouch) or try to lift my arm over my head. Yet, I have to do low exercises with my arm to keep the shoulder from freezing up. I am able to do little things like use a fork or my tablet, but the range of motion is definitely limited and I get sore if I try to do too much. I try to get out for some kind of walk each day, even if it's just shopping. the pain is not bad at all, and often I don't feel any. The worst is having to sleep on my back until the drain comes out, and even then the soreness in my right armpit will make it difficult to sleep on my side, I think. I'm generally propped up on pillows.

I haven't taken a full look at the surgery site. I've glanced down from above, and it looks weird but not scary. I'm not ready to get a full frontal look...that will be too real. I know, I'm just being silly at this point--after all, it's been almost two weeks. Soon. If this is in your future and you want to see what it looks like, I'm happy to take a pic for you. I just figure not everyone wants to see that!

That's it for today. I'll work on a post about my surgery in the next couple days.




Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Not much time left

I feel like this break between treatments has gone by way too fast. I wanted to do so much...go to Apple Hill again, get a lot of work done, get a lot of exercise, do some dancing. Time got away from me, and although my energy is better than it was a month ago, I still get tired fast and I just wasn't up to doing everything I wanted to do. And now surgery is tomorrow and I accomplished almost nothing.

Surgery is the part I dreaded the most. I know chemo is the worst and it's behind me, and it was definitely dreadful, but a mastectomy is so permanent. By this time tomorrow, I'll be minus a body part. Disfigured. Scarred.

People try to say things to make me feel better about it. I won't see you any differently, Jennifer. Your scars are a badge/symbol of what you've been through, Jennifer. Better a boob than your life. etc...those are all true and great. Honestly, if anyone is going to think less of me because I'm missing a boob, they get an express ticket out of my life anyway. I'm not really worried about what anyone else thinks of me (as long as they don't think I'm something I'm not). It just sucks, because I don't want this to happen.

Mostly, I've made peace with it. I know it needs to happen. I'm not bitter or angry. I'm just sad and a little depressed. I'm doing a little self medicating today.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Countdown to surgery

I have just a couple more days until surgery. It's been nice to have this break from cancer stuff...I can almost forget I have it, except for the bald head, weight gain, and getting winded if I walk up the stairs too fast. So surgery is Thursday, and then my "cancer vacation" will be over. I check in at 10:30 for a 12:30 surgery. I'm not sure how long it will take, but probably a couple of hours. I'll be asleep, so that part will be easy for me. Then I spend the night in the hospital and leave in the morning after the doc makes sure I'm not hemorrhaging or anything. I probably won't post on this blog while I'm there, but I'll try to post quick updates on facebook or have Michael do so.

Once I get home, I'll have Michael to take care of me and a big wedge thing to sleep on to make me as comfortable as possible. I should feel pretty bad for a few days, but after a week or so I'll start to feel better. Then a few weeks of recovery before radiation begins. I'll be done with treatments in just a few months. I think I'm more nervous about recovery than the actual surgery.

I had an awesome Thanksgiving. Dinner with part of my family on the actual day, then another one on Saturday with Michael's kids and a couple dear friends. We laughed, ate, talked, all to excess. It felt wonderful to be surrounded by so much love and to laugh until I was sick. I am extraordinarily blessed to have an awesome family--both sides of it--full of caring, intelligent, fun people. I am so thankful for them, for my support network, and that this cancer journey has not been as bad as I feared it would be. I was on my feet for most of Saturday cooking and going through Christmas decorations, and I held up through all of it. I was pretty sore and tired yesterday so I took it easy, but I'm happy with how much I was able to do.

Please keep me in your thoughts on Thursday!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Continuing to improve

Things are continuing to improve for me. I've been able to dance a little--even some swing last week (lindy and balboa), although I think I did a grand total of four songs with a song to rest in between. It was good to get out and see my friends.

We went to Half Moon Bay for our End of Chemo Celebration and had a really nice time. Mostly we sat and looked at water, walked on the beach, and ate. We really wanted to see the tide pools, but the tide was too high so now we have to go back another time. I kept up pretty well energy-wise, although I am certainly nowhere close to normal.

Previous to the trip, I had gotten out for a few walks, 20-30 minutes at enough pace to get my heart rate up, but I've been lazy ever since we got home so I need to get back on track. We've also gotten out for some lengthy shopping trips, and I held up pretty well. In fact, I keep up with Michael for the most part when it comes to regular daily activities. It's just things that require more energy, like dance or long, quick walks that I get tired more quickly than I used to. I'm also dealing with the extra pounds I put on during chemo. We're making some healthier eating choices to try to get some of that off, without stressing me out too much about food since I still have a lot to deal with. One thing at a time.

I talked in a recent post about how I feel weird going out in public bald, so I always cover my head. The funny thing is, twice since that post I've literally forgotten to put something on until we were in the car and it wasn't worth it to go back, so I went out bald. I totally didn't die. I will probably continue to cover for the most part, but at least I feel less weird now. The hair is growing slowly, but it is getting thicker and a little longer. Still hard to see it in the pics, but I can feel a difference when I run my hand over it.

Surgery is a week from tomorrow. I'm torn between being anxious about getting it over with (and cutting any remaining cancer out of my body) and nervous about it. Plus, my port is starting to bother me a little and it's sort of trying to push its way out of my body. So I'd sort of like to go ahead and get rid of that. I've talked to enough people now to know it will probably not be too bad, recovery wise. My new surgeon is nice, and I'm sure he'll do a fine job.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I definitely have a lot to be thankful for! Here's wishing you all a wonderful holiday.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Change in surgeon

I just got a call from the surgeon's office, and she will be out another week due to an injury she sustained during an accident. Rather than delay me further, they are reassigning me to another surgeon. I'll meet with him on Tuesday. I'm not overly pleased; I really liked Dr. Eaker and felt very comfortable with her. But what can I do but accept it? Yes, I know I can interview different surgeons, but I need to get this done and there are only so many in this town who take my insurance.

Tuesday night I taught one dance lesson and it went pretty well. My feet are groaning under the weight I've gained, so I really need to work on getting it off. A little bit at a time.

Here is my week two hair picture. It's hard to see in the pics but it does look and feel a tiny bit longer. I'm still guessing it'll come in grey. It's funny...of everything I've had to deal with so far, losing my hair was really the least of my worries. I was far more upset about giving up sushi and the hit to my energy level. It's nice to have it growing back already, but it wasn't devastating to lose it. On the other hand, I have this aversion to being bald in public. I'll post pics here and on facebook and not think twice about it, but go out like that? No. I even feel a little vulnerable taking off my scarf when I go to a friend's house or the wig shop. I don't know why. So there's my "Jennifer is human" thought for the day.

ETA: Just saw my electrocardiogram results from my last appointment. No significant changes since before chemo, so that's good. My heart rate was slightly higher but still very comfortably in the normal range. So, no damage from the chemo.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Small steps, big excitement

I'm really amazed at how quickly I'm recovering from chemo. This is just day 14 since the last treatment, and I'm feeling a little stronger every day. As I posted on facebook last night, I did some tango last night. I snuck up to Grass Valley to take Sean Dockery's class with my dad (Sean and Juliana are great teachers, BTW, although she wasn't there last night). It was a good opportunity to see how my body would respond in a low-pressure setting and get a visit in with Dad at the same time. I also introduced Michael to tango and he liked it, so that was fun. We got there about halfway through the beginning class and they were short on women so I stepped in, then there was a short practice session (called a "practica"), during which I did a couple songs with Dad and Michael, then the intermediate class.

In sum, it went as well as I could have expected given that I've had very little exercise while pumping my body full of toxic chemicals for the past four months. I've lost a lot of core strength and my balance is a little compromised, so some movements were challenging. During the second lesson, I had to sit down to rest whenever the teacher was talking, and while practicing I'd be panting and sweating. By the end of each song I was struggling. Finally, I decided to call it and sat out the rest of the class. I was able to dance a couple more songs during the practica afterward.

Riding home, I was bone tired...but soooo happy. Again, it's a feeling like after you work out, which feels good. I just love this feeling of getting out and being active and feeling like my muscles got used. It's weird to think about how different things are now from just a few months ago, but I'll get there. I may have to stick with tango for quite a while as I don't think I can manage swing or ballroom (other than teaching, which isn't too much of a strain). I'll take it!