Over halfway!

I was looking forward to getting through treatment today, because #17 would put me over the halfway mark. Then, last night when I was lying awake not sleeping after an evening of throwing up and generally feeling lousy (not really sure why), I was counting days and realized that my end date, March 2, is only about 2.5 weeks away, or 14 treatment days including today.

When I first met with my radiation oncologist back in October, he said I'd have 30-33 treatments and that he'd make sure I blistered in order to make sure the skin is good and cooked. Pessimistically, I said, "So, 33?" and he nodded. So, I've been assuming I'd have 33 treatments all along. But last night I realized I'm only scheduled for 30. And when he examined me yesterday, he said with my fair skin I'm burning so fast he sees no reason why he should have to extend my treatment, because I should blister with no problem. Yay? Anyway, so that means I only have 30 treatments. The end date is the same as I already knew it was (unless I have to take a break to let my skin heal), but the difference is that now I realize I passed the halfway mark on Wednesday. And I only have 13 treatments left! That's not so bad, is it?

So I'm feeling better today, although my stomach is still a little delicate so I'm still taking anti-nausea meds. The general crappy feeling is definitely improved. But, I'm still exhausted. I'm exhausted every day. So, I'm going to wrap this up and see if I can take a nap.

Have a good weekend, and Happy Valentine's Day!

So tired

Hair week 14!

This radiation thing is really for the birds. People say it's the "easiest" of the treatments, but I think there's a pretty negligible difference in how much this sucks vs how much chemo and surgery suck. Basically, they all suck. While this isn't as debilitating as chemo, it's every day and there's no break. With chemo, I'd have a really awful week, but then I'd have a pretty good week. Now, I'm exhausted every day. Even on the weekends when I don't have treatment, I'm only marginally better than the weekdays. Plus, driving downtown every day just sucks.

I'm tired. Once again, it's a struggle just to get on my computer and try to get anything done. Mostly. I lie here and play on my tablet or watch TV. I want to sleep, but I generally can't.

Sunday night, we were playing games with friends and at one point I was laughing and suddenly felt lightheaded and thought I might pass out. We called it a night a little while after, and I had a mild headache and felt weak. We determined I must have been dehydrated, because radiation can have that effect on you. So, I'm trying to make sure I get plenty of liquids and protein. Michael ended up working from home yesterday so he could take me to treatment, and he drove me today as well. We'll just have to take each day as it comes and figure out what I can and can't do. Some people only struggle with their energy level the first week or so, so maybe it'll get better. So far, the burn is not bad. Some pinkness and freckling and it's mildly tender.

Emotionally, I'm OK. Frustrated, but OK. I'm back to feeling helpless again, and I hate hate hate that. Annoyed that I may not get to do much of anything for the next four weeks or more. Counting down the days--nine down, 24 to go!

My radiation ritual

My hair 13 weeks post final chemo

I've come to realize that I like rituals. I always sit in the same place at the places I frequent, Michael and I have certain things we say to each other at certain times, etc. Having the rituals during chemo really helped me get through it--we'd take a pic in the morning with the race bibs he made me, get breakfast on the way there, always had our bag of snacks and entertainment packed, lunch on the way home, and then cut off the loop from my daisy chain. Oh, and I got a new charm for my bracelet each time. It helped to make things feel a little normal, I think, and gave me a mini celebration to keep me positive.

So when I was struggling with my feelings last week, someone suggested I do a ritual for each radiation treatment. I agreed it was a good idea, and several of you gave me some good thoughts on what to do. I combined a couple of them with an idea I had found to make a keepsake of the chemo loops.

I went to Michael's (the craft store) and got a cute square jar with a lid. I shredded the chemo loops and put them in. Each day when I get home from radiation, I get to eat a Dove chocolate and put the wrapper in the jar. If I like the sentiment on the inside of the wrapper, I fold it inside out so it can easily be read. Otherwise, I've folded them into different shapes or into balls. I also got some little origami papers, and after each treatment I write one thing I'm grateful for on the white side of the paper, then fold it into a little Japanese lantern (don't be impressed. My origami skills are...not) and put that in the jar, too. So I have this jar of memories and positive thoughts and blessings. I like it!

Today was treatment #6. I get tired after every single one, and most days I don't even feel like getting on the computer or doing much of anything once I get home. I'm already turning pink and feeling tender. I ended up seeing all three of my doctors yesterday for follow ups, and they were all surprised. Apparently I'm "lucky" in this regard and will not have an easy time of radiation. Joy. /sarcasm

The funny thing was that the radiation oncologist said he wished he could publish me because I line up on the table perfectly every time and all of my xrays and whatnot always come out right. I did not realize this was so difficult....I knew I was good at lying down, but not this good! (ha) Anyway, he said I turned pink faster than he expected and that we might end up having to take a break at some point to let me heal before they continue if it gets too bad too fast. This is just sounding better and better! I hope it doesn't get dragged out too long. I want it over with, and I want to heal before we leave on our cruise May 1!

During my follow up with the medical oncologist, he told me my stiff joints are related to chemo-induced menopause. Apparently, joints like estrogen, and when there's a sudden deficit, they stiffen up. This is not an issue with normal menopause, because the body slowly adjusts over a period of years. Mine should improve with time when my body adjusts, but there's no way to know if I'll stay in menopause or pop back into my normal cycle.

The surgeon I ended up with when my original one had to go on leave is hilarious. During my appointment with him, he said, "Well, your path report was clear so I basically did nothing." I said, "You disfigured me, so there's that. I'd like to thank you for saving my life, but...well, you didn't. So, thanks a lot." It was pretty funny. Sometimes you just have to laugh at this stuff.

I don't need to see either the MO or the surgeon again until June or July, and I don't need another mammogram until then, either. So, I'll have a nice little break from cancer crap after radiation is finally over. Looking forward to that!

Laughter is the best medicine!

Thank you all for your encouragement yesterday. Being surrounded by so much love is definitely a help! After whining to several friends, getting a really good night's sleep, and playing games all morning--err, day (oh crap...how is it already after 3:00??) with Michael and the kids and laughing so much I was crying and my abs hurt, I'm feeling much better. I might dip back into the doldrums when I go back to treatment tomorrow, but I know y'all will help me through it.

And really, I know this is temporary, and it'll only last a few weeks. Someone suggested I do something to count down the treatments like I did with chemo. I wasn't going to because A. there are so damned many and B. I didn't expect to have such a hard time with it. But, I think it's a great idea and maybe it'll help keep me positive. Now, I need some ideas! The chain of loops was awesome but there will be too many. What else can I do? I will be shredding the chemo loops to keep in decorative jars. Maybe something that can also go in the jars? Thinking caps, people!

And you know what? Despite all this crap, I am the happiest I've ever been. I'm with a great guy who treats me well and takes care of me, we live with his fun kids and laugh every day, and I'm financially secure. I have just one more bump in the road, and it's a sucky one, but in the grand scheme of things it's not so bad. Warrior on!

Struggling with my attitude

I'm struggling a bit with my attitude about radiation. I'm feeling pissy about having to go, and I'm tired...and it's just getting started. Driving downtown and dealing with traffic and parking, especially in the rain, is stressful. It's been a long and emotional rollercoaster of a road, and I want to be at the end. My joints ache, especially my hips/lower back, and I feel like an 80-year-old woman whenever I stand up, sit down, or go up/down stairs. Both days after treatment I got pretty tired, so I don't think this is going to be the breeze I hoped it would.

With the stress and emotional crap, I'm having a hard time managing my temper. I don't know how people manage it when they have longer treatment protocols than I did. Or whose cancer keeps coming back, or who have chronic illnesses. For those of you who manage to keep up a positive attitude through it all, you're amazing.

In reading my support group forums, I found out that both of the above issues are pretty common. As for the attitude, by this time the number of appointments and decisions and things have slowed down, giving the patient a chance to process what has happened. Suddenly we're not so focused on fighting and survival, so anger at the injustice, realization of the fear, etc., have had a chance to seep in. I hear stories of the cancer coming back and I can't help wondering if that will happen to me. As for the joints, the other women who are experiencing this also had Taxol. So I suspect that's the cause. I hope it gets better with time. Exercise does seem to loosen me up a little. Oh, and my vision got worse, for which I can probably thank chemo.

The second day of treatment was shorter than the first, since they didn't have to do xrays. Part of my treatment regimen is to have a "bolus," which is a heavy sheet of fabric with little metal discs all over it, placed over the affected area during part of the treatment. I'll get this every other day, and the purpose is to bring the radiation closer to the surface.

No real sunburn yet, since it's early. I do seem to have some freckling already, though. I'm happy to have started in the middle of the week so I'll have two weeks (beginning and end) where I don't have to go five days a week.

I didn't exercise the last two days because I didn't feel up to it, although I did go grocery shopping so I was at least on my feet and moving around. I need to figure out how to get up and out earlier in the day so I can get some exercise before treatment, because afterwards I think I'll just be too tired. I don't know how much I'll be able to do during the next few weeks, but I'll do what I can.

That's it for today. Hug your loved ones, especially if they've been through something like this. We could use it.

First radiation treatment

I'm pretty tired, so I'll make this quick for once. I went to my first radiation treatment today. It was a little weird, because I went alone--the first time I've gone to an appointment alone since this started. Michael and I talked it over and agreed that makes the most sense, as he would miss too much work to take me every day and it's too much to expect anyone else to do. Plus, I'm feeling well enough that there's no physical reason I can't drive myself, and the appointments are quick and no one can come in with me so it's silly to have my emotional support person go just to sit in a separate waiting area.

So after I put on my gown, I was taken into the treatment room. They got me on the table with my mold under my shoulders/arms/head and adjusted me until I was in the right position. Only my right side was taken out of the gown, so it was reasonably modest and I didn't get cold.

I had two male techs and one female, who was on lunch when I got there so I only met her at the very end. They said this would be the longest treatment because they had to get some films. They will take xrays every week moving forward. I was on the table for about 20 minutes or so, although I couldn't see a clock to really time it. There was a monitor on the ceiling with pretty pictures to look at, but I had to turn my head away from the side being treated so it was hard to really look at them. There was music playing, so I could listen to that.

One of the techs drew on me, then started the machine and I lay there for a while as it rotated around me, shone green lights on me, and made a variety of beeps and whirs. The tech came back in, drew some more, and left. More of the machine moving around and whirring and beeping, and then the woman came in to tell me I was done and could put my arms down. That's it! I wasn't even entirely sure when the filming ended and the treatment began, although perhaps it was when he drew on me the second time. I didn't feel anything from the treatment.

It was my day to see the doctor, although he had been called to the OR so I had a replacement. She felt me up, told me my skin was dry and I could use whatever lotion I had on hand for now, and sent me on my way. It was pretty quick. I am feeling pretty sleepy, but that might be because I didn't get much sleep last night.

One down, 32 to go!

My, how time flies!

Hair growth, 12 weeks post final chemo.
It's looking sandy blonde.

I was diagnosed on June 23rd of 2015, and I remember when I found out I had four months of chemo ahead of me, I felt like it might as well be a year. Sixteen weeks seemed like such a long, long time. Now, it's already been 12 weeks since my last chemo. It's crazy to think that much time has passed! It's been seven weeks since surgery (or will be tomorrow). If it weren't for the butch hair and the missing body part, I could almost convince myself it was all a bad dream.

I have to say, cancer has definitely taught me patience. Even though I want it to all be over with, I feel a little more patient than I did back in June. What's six weeks compared to four months? That attitude has even bled into my non-cancer life: I don't drive so fast on the freeway, because what's an extra minute or two? I don't mind waiting a few days until I can do something fun, because what's a couple days? That doesn't apply to the whole weight loss thing, though. That I want to happen RIGHT NOW. I'm even being pretty patient with myself about fitness, as long as I do a little more at each workout and continue to improve.

Radiation starts tomorrow. Six weeks, then I'm done with treatment. I'll still have reconstruction, but that's not happening until next year so I might as well not even think about it. That gives me a year to get a bunch of this weight off so I have a hot body to go with the new rack. :) I believe I'll be getting mammograms every four months for a while, then six, and I'm sure every little twinge or mole will send me into the "is it cancer??" mode. But at least I know I won this round, and if I have to do it again I will. But I sure hope not.

It's date night. I'm going to go have some fun with my honey!